Tell me a joke

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Tell me a joke

Post by willard on Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:36 am

Let's hear some jokes ok?
I'll start and everybody flse join in.

This guy is walking on the beach when he stumbles on something sticking out of the sand. He looks down and sees something shiny sticking up through the sand and reaches down and picks up an old lantern. Brushing the sand off of the lantern he was startled when a huge purple cloud spewed from the lantern and when the smoke cleared there stood a geni in front of him.. The geni tells the man that he can make 3 wishes but there's one catch. "What's that?" asks the man. "Well anything you wish for your ex wife will recieve double the same wish." A little put off by this, the guy still figures "what the hell". So the geni asks him what he would like for his first wish. The man thinks for a minute and then tells the geni he wants 10 million dollars.. Ok says the geni but remember that your ex wife will get double of anything you wish for so she'll recieve 20 million dollars. The man says that's ok and poof, he has 10 million dollars. The geni asks him for his second wish.. The man tells him he wants to be surrounded beautiful women. The geni again warns the man that his ex wife will be surrounded by twice as many gorgeous men.. The man says no problem.. And poof.. HE's surrounded by beautiful women.. Then the geni asks the man what he wants for his 3rd wish.. The man cups his chin for a minute in serious thought then looks the geni in the eye and says, I wanna be beaten half to death..
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by CDCeltown on Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:46 am

lol! good stuff.

Ok. I got one.

This guy is asleep in his bed. One day he wakes up to a voice in his head.

The voice says... "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to las vegas."

The man ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to las vegas."

He ignores it again. This goes on for weeks and weeks. He is beginning to go mad. The voice is now saying the same thing over and over again, once a minute.


"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to las vegas."


Finally the man snaps. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and goes to las vegas.

He gets to las vegas, and is on the strip, when the voice comes back.

"Go to the 4 queens casino."

The man goes in.

"Go to the roulette table." says the voice.

He goes to the roulette table.

The voice says "Bet on 13 black."

The man bet's on 13 black. The marble lands on 22 RED.

The voice says.... "Fuck."


Last edited by CDCeltown on Sat Jul 11, 2009 2:02 am; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by Onalish on Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:49 am

What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by willard on Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:54 am

Good one

bounce


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by CDCeltown on Sat Jul 11, 2009 2:09 am

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by willard on Sat Jul 11, 2009 2:30 am

That's a good one Razz
I hope this forum works out, don't get discouraged and quit it might take a little time but I think it will do great.
I got one more and then it's off to bed.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized
it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female
whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the
same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it
and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the
whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the
safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and
told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
the shore." At this point, he realised that the female was becoming
reluctant to follow him and asked what was wrong. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job",
"but I absolutely ain't gonna swallow no seamen."
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by CDCeltown on Sat Jul 11, 2009 3:19 am

Thanks guy. Much appreciated. Just try to help us keep people over on topix in the know.

One last joke for the night.

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by willard on Sun Jul 12, 2009 12:15 am

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by suga suga on Sun Jul 12, 2009 1:43 pm

Onalish wrote:What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

Oh my..that's just wrong girl. That made me want to hurl.



Willard..I like your avatar!
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by willard on Sun Jul 12, 2009 4:37 pm

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of old roy at wal-mart and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The old roy diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with old roy nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by Onalish on Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:44 pm

suga suga wrote:
Onalish wrote:What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

Oh my..that's just wrong girl. That made me want to hurl.



Willard..I like your avatar!

lol it's absurd, I know. Razz

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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by CDCeltown on Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:05 pm

These are the two funniest jokes ever told. The first one takes a while to read... but is totally worth it.

The 2nd one, I'll let my friend Cartman tell you.

This kid is walking to school.

He's running late. He's almost to school, when a stranger stops him.

"You're going to be late for school." said the stranger.

"I know." Said the boy.

The stranger says to the boy... when the teacher asks why you're late, I want you to just look at her, and say the words "Sally Struthers"

So the boy walks into class, 10 minutes late. The Teacher looks at him and says "Why were you late?"

"Sally Struthers", says the little boy.

The teacher FLIPS OUT... "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY??!?!?!?!" says the teacher.

"I said Sally Struthers."

"Get to the office you sick bastard. I don't EVER want to see you in my class again. You are the most sickening human being I have ever seen in my life. I hope you're castrated."

So the little boy goes to the office. He sits down in front of the principal

"So, little boy, why are you in my office?"

The little boy replies; "All I said was Sally Struthers, I don't get it."

The principal flips shit. "YOU SON OF A BITCH... HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. YOU ARE A DISTURBED LITTLE FREAK, YOU KNOW THAT? YOU MAKE JEFFERY DAHMER SEEM LIKE MICKEY MOUSE. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SCHOOL, AND DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK. I HOPE YOU BURN IN THE BLACKEST PIT OF HELL."

So the boy leaves school. He walks home to his mom and dad.

Upon arriving home, his mother is surprised to see him. "What are you doing home so early?"

"I got expelled," said the boy.

"WHAT, WHY DID YOU GET EXPELLED?"

"All I said was Sally Struthers, and the principle flipped the hell out...."

"YOU SAID WHAT? I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU. YOU DESERVE TO DIE. I AM ASHAMED THAT YOU CAME FROM MY BODY. I WISH I HAD AN ABORTION. YOU ARE THE MOST DEPRAVED, SICK, DISGUSTING, VILE, PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE EVER LAID EYES ON. I HOPE GOD HIMSELF, REACHES DOWN HERE AND KICKS YOU IN THE NUTS."

She picks up a kitchen knife and puts it to the boys throat.

"GET OUT... THE THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE, AND DON'T EVER COME BACK. I SWEAR TO CHRIST IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL AT THE HANDS OF AN AXE... OUT!!!! BAD SEED!!!!! OUT!!!!"

So the boy leaves. Crying, and sad, but mostly confused, the boy is walking down the street, when he sees a bar. He decides to visit the bar. He walks in, sits down, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender looks puzzled.

"You know I can't serve you, little boy, you couldn't be a day over 10."

"I know, I know," said the little boy.

"What are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be in school?" asks the bartender.

"Yeah, I should, but I got expelled."

"Well, why did you get expelled?"

"Because", said the boy... "I said "Sally Struthers."

The bartender gets a look of sudden discomfort. The music stops in the bar. Everyone looks at the boy like they're going to kill him.....

And I forget the rest.... but it was really funny.



Laughing


For the next joke... I'll let my friend Cartman tell you.

BEWARE... this is hands down, the filthiest joke EVER told. WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK... NSFW.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4Cw-TK62vA
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Re: Tell me a joke

Post by willard on Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:43 pm

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
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